NJ's Premier League Preview
By Nishant Joshi

Part Two - Relegation Material

Predictably the newly promoted teams in Burnley, Wolves and Birmingham are among the favourites to get relegated, but the bookies also expect Portsmouth and Hull to struggle badly. To be honest, I feel that this year will be one of the worst seasons in terms of aesthetic quality, and I for one will not be rushing to watch Mark Lawrenson explain why Liverpool drew 0-0 against Stoke. No more Ronaldo, and four of the five teams mentioned aren't up to Premiership standard - the one exception being Birmingham.

I have never been that great a fan of Alex McLeish, but the advantage that Birmingham have over the other relegation candidates is their quiet ambition

"Quiet Ambition" Alex McLeish

in the transfer market. In spite of his Judas status in Scotland - a country where, to be fair, you could be denounced as a witch for asking for semi-skimmed milk or low-fat yoghurt - Barry Ferguson is a snip at £1.2 million. Especially when you compare the fee for Roger Johnson (who?!), bought from Cardiff for £5 million. Ecuador international Christian Benitez is the wildcard signing at £8.5 million, and big things are expected from him. It would be no surprise to see him move again at the end of the season, to a bigger club. The core of the squad has Premiership experience, and I expect Birmingham to be comfortably safe - and I feel that they're decent each-way value to land a place in the handicap market with a 51pt head start.

For the purposes of betting, I am largely ignoring the likes of Bolton, Wigan and Stoke, who I expect to wallow in lower-mid-table mediocrity, but comfortably safe. Sunderland should be aiming for 12th place under Steve Bruce, while Blackburn will continue re-building under little pressure from the clubs below.

Portsmouth have sold Peter Crouch, Glen Johnson and Sean Davis, and released the likes of Lauren. In doing so have essentially had the heart of their side ripped out. Paul Hart has not exactly found replacements for these players either, and the consensus is that he will be forced to sell even more in order to reduce the wage bill. There is a great deal of uncertainty surrounding the club's future, and although administration seems unlikely, I have a great deal of sympathy for Hart, as he will no doubt be made a scapegoat for troubles not of his making. Portsmouth are a sinking ship and we should back them for relegation.

Burnley were promoted to the Premiership after finishing fifth in the Championship. After finishing fifth in the Championship, you've got to be relying on some big money signings to even have a chance of surviving in the Premier League, but their biggest signing has been from Hibernian. That says it all. I'm struggling to find reasons as to why 1.6 for Burnley to be relegated isn't closer to 1.2, but we won't complain.

Totesport have grouped Birmingham, Wolves, Hull and Burnley together in 'Group E’ and it's surprising not to see Birmingham heading the betting. They're clearly best equipped to avoid relegation with their squad, and they offer brilliant value to top this mini-league @ 3.6.

After an impressive start to their maiden Premier League campaign, Hull's form tailed away dramatically in the second half of the season, managing to record just one win in that time. I try not to discriminate on the basis of creed or colour, and being a fashion sloth at the best of times, I generally am content in letting the world go round and keeping myself to myself.

However, I cannot allow Phil Brown to poison the air that I breathe any more.

His revolting perma-tan and his cockiness were easily overlooked thanks to a brilliant start to the season; but as the season wore on, so did Brown's orange glow. I'm happy for a Ferguson or Benitez to glow - they have won trophies which Brown struggles to come close to winning on Championship

"Cocky" Phil Brown

Manager - but when a bloke like Brown retains said glow, despite one of the most horrendous losing streaks in Premiership history...he must be exterminated. The final straw for me was the final day karaoke. Forgetting the fact that this douche bag is a terrible singer, he embodies the hooligan, lager lout culture which so undermines this country.

Let's go back to May, when this bright orange abomination, with a goatee style patently thieved from a Venus 'I'm your fire; your desire - instructions and ideas' booklet, was cheered on by a full crowd of rabid northerners for LOSING a match, all the while milking the attention to the extent that the players became insignificant. Let's ignore the fact that he is a six-foot tall bastard Oompa-Loompa - he is a joke of a manager and has no clue what he is doing. He is more interested in self-serving publicity stunts - note the half-time team talk on the pitch at Manchester City. Yes, you guessed right! They were losing, again. Jose Mourinho has been the only manager who has the natural charisma to get away with such acts, and even he restricted himself to 'sing when you're winning'. No doubt that because the relegation battle was so close, Brown felt the need to breathe a sigh of relief, but such a stunt has only undermined any sense of respect that I may have had for him. The media's unforgiving knives will surely be out once Hull are inevitably embroiled in another battle.

Essentially, all I can see that Brown does is deepen his voice for interviews in a pathetic attempt to sound like 'one of the guys'. His constant wearing of an earpiece is clever, it must be said. It automatically implies a sense of professionalism, but this is all but a simple illusion, to con the masses into thinking that he knows what he is doing. To be frank, he seems so disturbingly attached to his earpiece that I would not be surprised if he kept it on while in bed.

Phil Brown - resign while the going is good. Say you need to spend more time with your family, and make it seem like you're an even better guy than you've already tricked thousands of inherently gullible northerners into thinking. Just do us all a favour, spare us the inevitable drama of the clichéd "It is with great regret that Hull have mutually agreed to part company with Phil Brown etc etc."

I don't know where your next job would be, but if Hugh Laurie ever needs a chav stunt double as House, M.D...

NJ's Bets:

Portsmouth under 39.5pts - 5pts @ 1.83 - PaddyPower

Portsmouth to be relegated - 2.5pts @ 3.0 - Coral

Hull to finish bottom - 3pts @ 5.0 - Boylesports, PaddyPower

Birmingham to win Group E - 5pts @ 3.6 - Totesport

Birmingham to win the league with +51pts handicap - 2.5pts @ 11.0 ((E/W, 1-3, 1/4) - Totesport

Burnley/Hull/Portsmouth to all be relegated - 2pts @ 19.0 - PaddyPower

Burnley to be relegated - 4.5pts @ 1.63 - Betfair