Court Adjourned

By Mr Chan

I Love Rock'n'Roll

Hello and welcome to the 1st of a new monthly tennis article which promises to be hard hitting, to serve up the truth and most importantly to give you guys the only tennis writer’s opinion that really matters – mine. Of course, you might have your opinions and disagree with what I have to say, if so – man up and tell me on my message board.

Those of you who have subscribed to my articles before (thanks mum) will know that that I always try and be constructive in my views, highlighting areas that are relevant to the bet in hand and most importantly giving you an insightful and informative view – a professional view if you like. This article will be different, this article is going to give my view as a fan and allow me to get the things of my chest that concern me most about the world of tennis…

A few weeks have passed since the Australian Open and once again the Asia/Pacific Slam produced tennis of a high standard and some matches that will live long in the memory. In the Women’s event, Serena Williams won her 5th title after powering her way past the returning Justine Henin. While in the Men’s section, the title once again went to Roger Federer after he beat Andy Murray in straight sets to claim his 4th Australian Open title and his 16th Grand Slam overall. With this title Federer has extended his world record blah blah blah … is anyone else bored of this? Don’t get me wrong, I am not denying these players their moments of glory – hell they deserve it. They have worked hard but I am starting to find tennis pretty boring and pretty predictable. The standards of tennis might be higher than ever before and people can argue all they want about Federer being the greatest player of all time but I couldn’t give a toss – I want some Rock’n’Roll back into tennis.

How can you call Federer the greatest of all time anyway? How can you compare him to the likes of Rod Laver? Granted they both have noses big enough to use as racquets but apart from that? Laver played nearly 10,000 years ago with a racquet made out of wood and only against opponents who could speak English. It’s a pointless argument. I can’t stand these “in my day” kind of people, you know the ones I mean, you’re sitting there watching something that is brilliant, that the professional pundits claim to be the most amazing thing they have ever seen and there is always one miserable tosser who refuses to accept it’s that good. He will claim that it was ok but nothing compared to what he saw when he was growing up. Man I hate them, they sit there and refuse to accept that the modern game is getting better year by year, it’s called evolution man! I mean, it’s bound to happen, players are being trained to a better physical condition, allowing them to run quicker and for longer. Technology is giving them the perfect tools from which to perform with. Balls are getting quicker with more bounce, racquets are getting lighter but with better grips and enough power in them that soon they will be deadlier than a lightsaber and yet these people still bang on about the game years ago…but then again they do have a point.

I mean, the standard of tennis might be getting better but where are all the characters? Federer might be a great champion but wow he is boring! A nice guy, a perfect gentleman on the court and extremely likeable off it. In his spare time he raises millions of pounds for charities around the world and no doubt will soon be dubbed the most perfect Dad in the world – he has even married a woman he loves rather than a hot piece of ass. But he is starting to annoy me -  Big Time. Before you all start, it’s not jealousy, trust me I wouldn’t want a nose that big, it’s just that he is becoming too nice, it’s sickening. He wasn’t always like this; he used to act like a spoilt brat who lost his temper when he didn’t get things his own way. We do still see it sometimes when he is wound up, remember his rant during the last years US Open defeat to Juan Martin Del Potro – for those of who missed it…

Federer “stop showing me the hand”



That’s what I want – some FIRE back in tennis, some real moments of anger and passion, that’s what sport is all about. It’s not fair that cricket has Freddie, Snooker has Ronnie, Football has so many and even Tiger is doing his bit to spice up golf. By the way, I don’t understand the big deal with Tiger anyway, why didn’t people see this coming? He is the greatest golfer ever and has become that way by living and breathing the sport. On the course he gets cheered by thousands of screaming fans for planting his balls into an open hole yet off the course he gets slaughtered for doing the same thing. A fickle lot you are.

I mean where have all the characters gone? I don’t want to be that ‘tosser’ who harps on about great characters such as Connors, Becker, Agassi, Chang and of course the daddy of them all – Sir John McEnroe. For those of you who have been living on another planet and have no clue about what I am on about please take 3mins and 26secs do educate yourself on the greatest tennis entertainer of all time.

Sir John McEnroe



Now this is when tennis was entertaining, this was when men were men – real men. So proud of their manhood that they wore short shorts in order to excite the women in the crowd. Ok maybe the serve and volley aspect of the game back then is not as enjoyable as these marathon rallies and running forehands we seem to get as standard these days but the players playing the sport were far more entertaining. I mean I don’t even have to go back that far to harp on about great characters – look at Andre Agassi. ‘AA’ was and remains my favourite player ever but it’s not because of the 'cycling shorts under the shorts' look (hey it was cool when I was younger) or the long hair and earrings, NO, it’s because the man used to live in Vegas, nail a then A-list Hollywood celebrity and in his spare time shove crystal meth down his throat – Rock’n’Roll baby! Granted Andre has settled down a lot these days and maybe in is younger years he wouldn’t have been quite the same role model to is two children as he is now but I am sure deep down he doesn’t regret those days – the Rock’n’Roll days. When Agassi retired from the game definitely took a dip in the entertainment department but that dip was minor compared to the crash when Marat Safin decided to call it a day.

Safin is a legend, a complete nutter who lost is rag, smashed racquets, swore at umpires, stayed out late and drank heavily before matches, slept with  countless women (during tournaments) and still managed to win 2 Grand Slams. If it was up to me I would have his face on money. I very much doubt that tennis will ever see a character such as Safin again, not while Federer is around. Why? Because I think people look at Federer and think to be that good I have to be that boring. Right? Wrong! Look at Alex Higgins or Diego Maradona, both mental cases but yet considered by many to be the most talented players ever to play their sport. No, Safin and his likes are long gone and looking at the top 100 players in the men’s game I see no hope of a real legend emerging.

A tribute to a living legend



p.s. a special thanks to Cynthia whoever you are!

The likes of Del Potro, Murray and Djokovic offered hope but they have ‘calmed down’. Del Potro has stopped abusing Murray’s mother, Murray hasn’t got a coach that he can swear at & Djokovic, who used to beat his chest and scream and shout, now gets out of breath by tying up his shoe laces. Actually - while I think about it Djoko, any chance you could get in shape and stop whimpering out of matches you pussy. You are earning kazillions of dollars a year, get into shape and have some pride man. Sorry, I digress… where was I, oh yeah… no hope. I keep hearing SKY pundits telling me that the future of tennis looks bright with the likes of Tsonga and Cilic coming through but I’m sorry I see no entertainment in a French brute dancing like a fairy after winning a match and yet another plain boring ‘ic’ from Croatia. Good players yes but where is the drama and excitement? You can’t even rely on now veterans like Roddick and Hewitt, when they were younger they used to have some real ding dong aggressive matches. Roddick would be all up in Hewitt’s face and then when the Aussie passed him we would be treated to a huge “Cooome Aaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwn” – yet they now talk or having a great deal of respect for each other. Pussies.

I want some anger, some passion and some aggression back into tennis. If only Ivan ‘the hitman’ Lendl could come back and start coaching someone…

Sadly lacking from tennis today



Maybe it’s me, maybe I am asking too much to expect entertainment and drama in my sport, after all the players play to win. Maybe I am becoming that tosser in the back of the room who is starting to moan about how tennis was better when I was younger. I even heard a kid, just the other day, saying how Murray was improving and was already a great British player. What? I couldn’t help myself – “Don’t even start comparing him to Tiger Tim my lad. You might have only heard about the pussy fist pumping Heman, well before he met that posh bird he was a real tear away, he used to pick off ball girls at any given opportunity my lad. Smashing the tennis ball deep into their skull just for the sake of it. He would then buy them flowers and take them out, even if they were under age – that is the kind of British tennis I used to watch”. See there I go again, banging on about the past, and not even that long ago…

I never thought I would say it but I am giving up on the Men’s tour. I just can’t see the drama coming back in to the game, not to the standard I was used to. So to the women’s tour I go – at least they still have some Safin DNA, the short clothing and of course Serena. Yes she might be following in Federer’s footsteps of Grand Slam domination but at least when she gets angry with an official she comes out with something a bit more Rock’n’Roll than “stop showing me the hand ok”. Federer you need to man up man and have a listen how a real champ talks down to the minions on court.

“You do it again and I’ll f***ing take this ball and shove it down your f***ing throat”



GET IN!!

Until next month – Court Adjourned.

Mr Chan