Off With Their Heads

By Nishant Joshi



As part of my anger management/love for writing/hugely cynical personality, I will be continuing my 'Off With Their Heads' column exclusively for Priceform. If you enjoy sadistic word torture, rest assured, I will pull no punches in this column.

Our first victim for the guillotine will of course be John Terry.

Despite having touched upon his misdemeanours in my last article, I soon realised that I was not doing full justice to the Chelsea philanderer. There are numerous ethical, practical and business dilemmas which 'TerryGate' has created, and I shall try and address some of these here.

Firstly, to re-cap: John Terry was alleged to have slept with his (safe to assume we can use 'former') club and national team-mate Wayne Bridge's former long-time girlfriend, Vanessa Perroncel. Terry has two-year old twins by his wife Toni; Bridge has a three-year old son by Perroncel. All the while, as national leader, his economic policies have led to a Depression, and he has personally prescribed Viagra to paedophiles - on the NHS, no less.

Some more facts: Perroncel is a French underwear model, yet she is decidedly unattractive to have earned such a title. The plot thickens.

I wouldn't. 6/10

One point that still needs clarification is just how long the affair had been going on. With the tabloids banging on about 'Wayne Bridge's missus', it is easy to forget that Bridge and Perroncel actually broke up in the summer of 2009. However, this begs the question - did Terry actually play the role of home wrecker? As we are unsure of exactly when the affair started, it would be unfair to speculate.

By the same token, this does not mean that we cannot play Devil's Advocate. Merely cheating on his wife is a terrible sin; but if he is proven to have caused the breakdown of his good friend's family, it would surely destroy Terry's reputation irreparably. As Perroncel has already shown via clandestine meetings with PR guru Max Clifford in the past few days, she looks prepared to milk this cash cow for all its worth - we are most definitely going to hear 'her side of the story' in the next week or so.

So far, we've established that Wayne Bridge could do with a hug. John Terry could do with a slap. Vanessa Perroncel looks like she has no qualms about being the next Heather Mills. Toni Terry is not a victim in this; she has acted as an 'enabler' and allowed her husband to continue cheating on her despite numerous previous warnings.

It should be noted that as a footballer, John Terry is not alone in having played away from home. Cashley Cole is just one of his contemporaries to have been proven guilty of cheating on his partner; and given the lengths that Terry's 'business partners' (a.k.a 'heavies') went to in order to keep details of the affair under wraps, we will always be in the dark as to how many current footballers have strayed. We do know the likes of Wayne Rooney have visited prostitutes, and that Ashley Young waved his tackle online to a stranger. So it would be safe to say that footballers often live vicarious lives, and that it would be unfair to single out John Terry as a national pariah because of this one incident.

However, having declared that he 'would never cheat again' before he married his wife, and having been revealed several times previously as a serial love rat Darren Day would be embarrassed to be seen with, TerryGate gains more significance, as a national icon has broken the sanctity of his own marriage. He has disturbed his own family, as well as potentially ruining that of his friend's.

With it being a World Cup year, emotions are bound to run high with the public. Such a sin may have been reluctantly forgiven in any other year, but under the tenure of Fabio Capello, there is a real belief that England could go deep into the tournament.

Bye bye, captain.

First and foremost, it seems logical and fair that Terry be asked to step down as England captain. His position is nothing less than untenable. In a team sport, you must be able to rely on every member of the side - indeed the mentality that John Terry instils on the pitch is that of 'we must be prepared to die for each other'. After the Champions League final of 2008, Frank Lampard called Terry 'a man's man', and the nation was proud to have another nearly-man after that scuffed penalty and the ensuing tears.

The crux of the matter is that he betrayed an England teammate no less, and that we can no longer reconcile the notion of 'loyalty' with John Terry. He is damaged goods as far as the England set-up is concerned, and Fabio Capello will be disappointed to lose him as a leader. However, John Terry is not the bottom line in English football. Quite frankly, if we take him to the World Cup as the nation's captain, we will be a laughing stock. An uncompromised embarrassment - and this is before we even consider the possibility of another failed penalty escapade.

There are ready-made replacements chomping at the bit to take over Terry's mantle as captain. Rio Ferdinand is well respected in the squad, and though outwardly dim, he does possess fair footballing intelligence and would not disgrace himself as leader. As a more experienced member of the team, he is certainly a viable option. Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard would both lead

Could have been the captain to take England to a new level Steven Gerrard

the country with due vigour, determination and spirit. Indeed, it was always my opinion that Gerrard could have been the captain to take England to a new level, but the 'Wally with a Brolly' Steve McLaren decided otherwise. However, if either is captain, the other player will no doubt spend their days in South Africa sulking about "how the FA always favours Frank/Stevie over me". We do not need either player having one of their sulky menstrual cycles during the tournament, and so both are best avoided.

David Beckham would be a wildcard selection as captain although he will at least command respect and be a popular appointment within the squad. The only issue here would be whether Capello sees Beckham's playing time abroad as potentially preventing a cohesive team spirit. Beckham would surely relish one last chance at World Cup redemption in what will probably be his last major tournament. Twelve years after getting sent off against Argentina, it would be the ultimate catharsis for Beckham to taste success in South Africa.

Wayne Rooney is also not a terrible option as captain - in the form of his life at club level, there is a school of thought which supports giving responsibility to impetuous players, under the pretence that responsibility calms. However, it is unlikely that a strict disciplinarian such as Capello would dare to gamble on such a temperamental player.

Beckham would be my pick as captain, as he would be a popular appointment within the squad, and he has previous experience as a moderately successful England captain. Most importantly, he is a mature and calm figure who commands respect, and he is the person who can best work together with Capello to give England the best chance of losing on penalties in the World Cup final this year. Given that the likes of Shaun Wright-Phillips have not been playing regular football, Beckham is a sound choice on the right wing.

To an extent, the appointment of a new captain would be rudimentary - in all honesty, whether Rooney/Beckham/AN Other captains the side should not have a defining outcome on England's progress in South Africa. A football captain should be first among equals and every player should lead in their own way. However, the key here is that the presence of Terry as captain clearly sends the wrong message to the side. Here, we have a man who has covertly betrayed his teammate, and allowing him to stay on as a leader would be a grave mistake. Capello strikes me as a man who will pull no punches at the helm, and a proactive response will serve to give Terry a needed kick up the arse, whilst reiterating to the whole side that no superstar is beyond reproach. Instilling some fear into a side where several players are on £100,000 a week will be a much welcome bonus.

Jeremy Kyle to the rescue?

As to whether Terry should stay on in the squad altogether is a different and more taxing dilemma. If Capello takes away his armband but stops short of dropping Terry altogether, will that be seen as a typical FA 'neither here nor there' compromise? In my weekend article, I mentioned that England has a depth of talent in the centre back position. On further inspection, I concede that in fact, we are rather desperately in need of going to a World Cup without having the likes of injury-prone Ledley King and Jonathan Woodgate limping into the picture. Matthew Upson is the only reasonably viable alternative to John Terry, and although the likes of Gary Cahill and Roger Johnson are efficient, they can in no way replace Terry.

And this is where the ethical dilemma lies. With Terry playing, England's chances are greatly improved - he is an exceptional defender and would arguably  be a starter in any World XI. Consensus will dictate that Terry relinquishes his role as captain - voluntarily or not - but I'm sure that with the World Cup four months away, there will be enough time for wounds to heal and for Terry to become re-accepted into the side. From a practical point of view, Terry will assimilate naturally into the side once again, so long as he is not captain - lest we forget, he is in good company if he wants redemption. I highly doubt that hooker-loving Wayne Rooney, fellow love rat Cashley Cole, or inappropriate webcammer Ashley Young will have any moral leverage to sneer at Terry if he sits down at their lunch table.

That is, everybody except poor Wayne Bridge. An undemonstrative man, he seems a perfectly decent fellow and the player with whom the whole nation sympathises. With 'close friends' constantly repeating nothing from the man himself except that he is reportedly 'in bits', it is hard not to yearn for him. His story is so sad that they say if you see his face, it's like seeing the Turin Shroud, and you have an immediate and violent religious epiphany.

Already separated from the mother of his child, and living at the opposite end of the country to her and their young son, Bridge has no end of legitimate grievances. Anybody who sees the poor lad should go up to him and say "Chin up, kiddo, everything will be okie-dokie", whilst bear-hugging him furiously. Anything less than that, and you're a heartless bastard, in my humble eyes.

Bridge will be buoyed by the token support by several Manchester City teammates at the weekend, who wore 'Team Bridge' T-shirts against Portsmouth. Despite being corny, this was a vaguely heart-warming gesture, if not a tad bizarre. How does a footballer come up with such an idea? It's pretty much the most metrosexual thing you can do as a footballer. You can just imagine a think tank of Carlos Tevez, Nigel de Jong and Stephen Ireland in the changing rooms after practice, wondering about how best to make their comrade feel better. Two of them agree on a boys' night out in Manchester; the third throws a hissyfit and insists that this is a perfect opportunity for him to work on some sparkly T-shirt designs. The only thing missing was a goal celebration from Tevez showcasing a Craig Bellamy-choreographed dance routine, to the tune of 'I Love You Baby'. Jazz hands optional, but preferred.

So, how do you solve this crisis? As second-best left back in the country, Wayne Bridge is worthy of a place in the World Cup squad. However, it will be totally natural for him to be put off by the mere presence of Terry. There will always be the urge to give him a piece of his mind, or go

There will always be the urge to give Terry a "piece of his mind" Wayne Bridge

two-footed into a 50/50 training ground tackle - or even when Chelsea face Manchester City in the latter half of this season. Or if Bridge is more of an introvert, he will poke needles into a Terry voodoo doll. During the World Cup, Bridge will be seething uncontrollably with inner rage, every single time he locks eyes with his former friend and new nemesis. It will be totally understandable and natural if Bridge is unable to perform at his highest level with Terry in the same team, although at the same time, this is arguably wholly irrelevant. Bridge will be a peripheral figure during the World Cup, and will only come into the equation in the event of injury to Cashley Cole.

Thus, it lies on Capello to balance the best interests of the team. From a practical point of view, this should involve giving Bridge the illusion of more authority. As manager, he will have to ensure that Bridge is made to feel like a true member of the team, and that the whole team is in his camp. Token gestures such as making him captain in practice matches, and relieving him of current responsibilities such as wiping the dirt off Terry's boots will no doubt be obvious places to start.

Capello must attempt to simultaneously discipline Terry and empower Bridge. Respectively, he needs to ensure that his key defender is at the top of his game and playing with an uncluttered mind, and that his bit-part sub just keeps a smile on his face and does not rock the boat. Once the England team starts dividing into loyalty-based camps, it will be a tragedy for everybody, and Terry will be a ready-made scapegoat for any failures.

Overall, my solution to the problem is simple. ITV would arrange a paintball assault course, and give John Terry a faulty gun. Not many are going to stay glued to Strictly Come Dancing if a Terry vs Bridge fixed death match is on. Everybody wins: Terry gets his just desserts, and Wayne Bridge will gain sweet revenge, only to go home and realise that it is a hollow and unfulfilling revenge, to the extent that after advice from Roy Keane, Bridge ends Terry's career in a leg-breaking tackle. In the middle of King's Road. For poetic justice, Bridge converts to playing centre-back and captains England to glory at the World Cup. He will ironically dedicate the win to 'an old friend who I am sorry can't be with us today'.

National Anthems

Despite being a generally depressing topic, on the plus side, TerryGate has led to some outstanding chants on the terraces:

‘Same old Terry, always cheating’ - a classic chant; but now with a delicious new meaning.

‘Wayne Bridge, wherever you may be, don’t leave your wife with John Terry.’ - My personal favourite; I will be humming this in my sleep henceforth.

Rough Justice

Last but not least, I must give a special mention to Mr Justice Tugendhat, who revoked Terry's super-injunction, effectively denying him the right to keeping the affair private. This was old school justice, the type where we could all see that the judge was a bitter man, totally looking to embarrass Terry and use him as an example. Had the judge not been old enough to be able to say "Back in my day..." and actually mean it, the outcome could have easily swayed the other way, and we should be thankful that Terry came across a judge with such a chip on his shoulder. In this column, that is the type of thing we relate to.

John Terry will hope that everybody will forgive and forget, eventually. And most of his contemporaries will do just that - as humans, we are intrinsically shallow, and often far too oblivious to realise that when we next cheer the man as he lifts a trophy, he will be the same despicable person who has ruined lives. Or at least 2010 - he's definitely ruined Wayne Bridge's 2010.

Please feel free to comment on this article in my message board

Nishant Joshi